Believe it or not, I actually miss something about when I was depressed. Before the beginning of this year when I changed my life around, all the feelings that I felt were magnified. That crush that I had on my manager? I thought I was in love with her. Still, I can remember exactly how I felt because it was so strong.

Yes, I had a lot of those moments where I was staring at a shattered world at my feet, but the good moments... they were phenominal, out of this world. I've been contemplating if I was bipolar, but I don't think so. I've been taking depression meds, not bipolar meds. And from what I've heard, there is a differnce.

I love Adam, I really do, but there's just something different about what I feel for him than for all the others. It's not as strong. Fact is, it's almost like compassionate love than romantic love. It's like I've already lived all my life with him and I'm already completely comfortable with him. It's strange. There was no really big feeling of desire, of this gravitational pull that I usually feel.

To be honest... I think maybe I was obsessed with everyone else. Even I'm just thinking of this now... but maybe I was. I just needed someone so much, that the way I felt for that person mirrored that need.

But either way, I love him, and I'm glad that I'm finally happy. I just kind of miss that extreme elated feeling.

So you know how I've said I can't have a good day off?
Anyway...

We went to tiny beach this morning. I got up at 5:00 and made some coffee. By the way, coffee tastes SO much better when you really really need it as opposed to just craving it. haha. So I went over to Adam's and we went to tiny beach to watch the sunrise. It would have been really beautiful except it was really cloudy, and then oh look, angry clouds! So we just saw it get lighter. No pretty sunrise colors. It's okay though. Still got to spend time with him. Quite sleep deprived, we went back to his house and fell back asleep. Woke up next to him, which we both love. So after a lot of internet stuff that he does, I figure we could go outside, because it wasn't too unbearably hot at the time and the sun was out, (which I LOVE sun). Well, he's playing this online game so I figure I'd play some mario. A little bit into it, Adam's mom comes in saying she doesn't feel well.

She's sick. Now, I love Adam's mom. She's a great person. Really. But now because she's sick, Adam can't go anywhere because of his brothers. They're 9, 11, and 13. They're needy. Good kids, but they'd start yelling at each other. So now we can't go anywhere and I'm stuck inside on my day off. I could leave here, yeah, but I spend my days with him. And there's NOTHING ELSE TO DO.

Siiiiiiiiigh.

Lindsay Pittman:
She wasn't just a flame, she was a roaring fire,
the love of my life. Well, previous love of my life.
Truth is... I still love her. I moved on because I knew it wasn't
going anywhere. After four years... I was finally able to let her go.

On occasion, I'll still think about laying in bed with her,
tracing the lines on her hands to her fingers and back...
kissing her forhead when she cuddles into my neck.

My love for her was so beautiful, so strong,
I can still feel it.

And sometimes, I still secretly wish she'd give me a chance.